what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
