So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
