Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
