I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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