Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
