im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
