so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
