I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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