You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
