the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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