before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
