dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
