My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
