Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize