More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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