I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
