Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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