they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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