You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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