tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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