she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
