hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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