I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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