Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Life is so much better after having sex.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
