I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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