I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
