I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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