I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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