Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Congratulations! We have a period
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