There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
