I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
you had me at cake vodka
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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