what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
