I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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