I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize