Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
