we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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