I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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