I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
It's official drugs can't kill me
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
