My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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