Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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