I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
