On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
