God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
