I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
