My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
