Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
