He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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