At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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