My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
