I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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