Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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