I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
