so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
