I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
