Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm sobbing to NWA
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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