I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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