I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
