I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
