if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
