the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm having to shit out rocks
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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