So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
wakey wakey hands off snakey
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize