I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
