I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
